Monday, February 28, 2011

Whose side do I choose - my best friend or my boyfriend?

Question:  I have been going out with my boyfriend for a few months and we fight just like any couple. I always turn to my best friend (who’s also my roommate) for advice, and now she's grown this hatred for him.  It’s so bad, my friend and boyfriend can't be in the same room together. Now, my friend will snap at him at everything he says and then my boyfriend will argue back. It’s gotten so bad, my best friend has threatened to move out because my boyfriend is always around.  I can't stand it! I feel like I have to choose between the two of them. How can I handle this without choosing one or the other? (Scottsdale, AZ)

Social Shrink: If “Teen Mom 2” teaches us anything, it’s that when things get really bad when living with your best friend – she’ll move out!  Look at Chelsea’s case… that didn’t end well!

You should never feel like you have to choose between your friends or your boyfriend. You should think of the reasons why your best friend does not like your boyfriend. Has he treated you really bad in the past? Your friend is probably just looking out for you. While you are right - all couples fight - it does depend on what you are fighting about and if the fighting is constant. That might be a sign that you  guys are in an unhealthy relationship.  

When you do turn to your friend for advice, she’s going to lose trust and faith in your boyfriend by hearing all these things he’s doing to you. You can't expect her to forgive him - even though you do, because she is not in your relationship. She only hears the bad things he's done. In the future, try not to turn to your friend so much on relationship advice.  Maybe spread it out amongst other friends or talk to a therapist. True, friends should be there for you whenever you need them, but, remember, they have their own stress and problems – especially if you seek advice from them often. When your relationship drama becomes a regular occurrence, it's a lot to burden your friend with your daily quarrels.

Since you live with your best friend, the situation is that much more elevated.  Your friend shouldn’t have to go to drastic measures by moving out, so you need to do your part in the scenario.  You should have a talk with both your friend and boyfriend together in the same room. Let them both know you value the relationship you have and you want to make it work for the three of you. Compromise by going over your boyfriend’s place more often so he’s not always lingering around your apartment.  Set boundaries so that your friend doesn’t feel like her space is being encroached.  Your boyfriend and best friend don't have to be the best of friends, but they need to learn to at least tolerate each other. 

In the end, here are recommended steps to help ease the tension between your friend and boyfriend: (1) stop sharing your boyfriend drama with your best friend – you two live with each other, you’re each other’s best friends, and you get enough of each other as it is.  Find a different friend to seek relationship advice and give your best friend a break.  (2) Go to your boyfriend’s place more often so that your boyfriend and best friend aren’t always stepping on each other’s toes. (3) Lastly, work on your relationship with your boyfriend.  If you’re having that much drama that you always need to go to your friend to vent or seek advice, maybe it’s you that’s creating all of this turmoil!  Stop the drama or give your boyfriend the boot!!!


  1. Sorry, but your bf is probably an AHole if your best friend doesn't like him. And no offense but if you choose your bf over your friend, that's just sad.

  2. I'm a big believer in not sharing your relationship problems with your friends for this very reason. If it's a one time thing and you need advice, maybe, but to do an ongoing venting every time you have a disagreement or he does something that makes you crazy is a big mistake. I've seen marriages go into crisis because of sharing too information much with friends. It sounds like the main reason she doesn't like him is because of all that you have said about him. Take this as a big lesson learned and don't make the mistake of sharing too many of your relationship problems with your friends any more.