Monday, March 28, 2011

I'm dating someone who has emotional baggage

Question: The girl I'm talking to has a lot of emotional baggage but I really like her.  Is it better to just find someone who doesn't have so many issues, that way I can have a clean slate? (Seattle, WA)

Social Shrink: That depends - how much do you like this person?  Everyone has emotional baggage to some degree; some definitely have more than others. NO ONE HAS A CLEAN SLATE! Baggage always comes with the person. If this is someone you are very interested in, then it might be worth it to stick it out with them.

Depending on her baggage and how much you have on your plate, you should ask yourself if this is something you can handle.  Does she constantly bring up her baggage from previous relationships?  Does she ask you if you have ever cheated, broken a girls heart, etc?  If this is something that is always talked about by her, it may be too much for you to deal with at such an early time in your relationship with her.  It also indicates that she needs some time on her own before she can truly get over her ‘baggage.’

Baggage doesn't last forever, either.  If you let this person go now, will you regret it later? Maybe this person needs a friend to help them get through their issues.  Are you willing to be there for them?

It also depends on what her baggage is (like her ex cheated on her and now she’s are super paranoid).  She may just need some time to heal. You can still be a friend so she understands that not everyone will hurt her.  Once you can earn her trust and eventually allow her to mend, a relationship could potentially be able to blossom that much better.  She also needs to understand that her baggage does not define what you have with her.  Make a decision on whether you want to be that person that helps her get over her past.  If so, let her know what happened in the past is in the past and you are willing to help her trust again and heal.

In time, she will come around and learn to trust again as long as you don't take advantage of her vulnerability or be a rebound.  Take your time letting the relationship develop and allow her time to mend.

Go with what will be worth it to the both of you in the end and TAKE THINGS SLOW.  If you two have a connection and it seems like there’s a future, go with the flow and don’t rush things.  If you really like her and the two of you are meant to be, her past baggage will be just a bump in a long road ahead.


  1. I dated a girl with tons of baggage! Never again. Some girls are way too emotional for me to handle. I agree, everyone has baggage, but it's how they handle it that makes them a good person and the relationship worth it. Otherwise if you are like my ex, then you are in for a huge rollercoaster ride!

  2. She may have baggage and you can lighten her load by being a great listener but you will still need to think of yourself, if you are strong for yourself it will make her strong for herself and hopefully she will see that.

  3. IF, you are dating a woman, with A-LOT of emotional baggage, and YOU really like HER.

    Then for crying out loud, tell HER, to go and get HERSELF some professional help, to help HER, get through, and OVER HER emotional baggage, before YOU, date HER, ANY further.

    Because, SHE, will continue to DRAIN YOU, IF SHE, does not get ANY professional help.

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