Friday, November 26, 2010

My friend cheated on his girlfriend! Do I tell her or keep his secret?

Question:  I've been friends with this guy for years and he's been dating this girl who I've become friends with as well.  Recently, he told me that he cheated on her and that he doesn't want to ever tell her.  Since I have been friends with the guy longer, I feel like I should keep his secret.  But, I feel like I should tell his girlfriend because it's "girl code."  What should I do?  (Newark, NJ)

Social Shrink:  You can always write the girlfriend a letter just like Snooki and JWoww did on MTV's "Jersey Shore"... but that didn't turn out to well in the end!  It sounds like your guy friend has turned his relationship into a "bad romance" (queue Lady Gaga).  It's a tough situation to be in for you, since you're not sure what you should do with this information.

"Girl code" we assume means that girls should always tell each other when a guy has cheated or has been unfaithful.  Who made this code up? Anyway, where this gets complicated is that you're better friends with the boyfriend and he has disclosed this information to you in confidence.  He even requested you didn't say anything.  

What we recommend is that you sit your guy friend down and tell him that (1) he needs to man up and tell his girlfriend and just come clean; and (2) if he doesn't, he is putting you in a difficult situation since you will feel the need to inform her.  If this doesn't prompt your guy friend to want to tell his girlfriend, your best bet is the stay out of it for now.  While it's understandable that you will want to tell his girlfriend, situations like this can get messy when you get too involved.  Use your close friendship with your guy friend by providing him some good, sound advice and offer your support.  When romances go bad like this, it's best to be there for your friends... but stay out of the messy drama.


  1. Ah...this depends on if it is a man or a woman writing this letter.

    If it's a man. What the hell?! Why would you tell unless you want to date her?! I don't get guys who are like this....don't tell her. He obviously told you in confidence.

    If it's a woman. well...then it's up in the air. Chances are that you won't be friends with either of them again. Such is the nature of the beast. Men don't appreciate when friends rat them he won't want to be your friend. And well, she may decide that you are lying and she won't want to be your friend either. Because if it comes down to you vs. him and he claims you are lying...9 times out of 10, she'll believe him.

    But go ahead...shoot yourself in the foot. If they don't want to be friends anymore at least you'll be able to sleep at night with a clean conscience.

  2. I think you should mind your own business. Relationship battles are within the relationship. Yea, it's hard to see this going on cause you are friends with both of them but do they involve you in their fights or arguments? I highly doubt it so why would you want to involve yourself in this mess?

  3. Jenny, it's not a battle if the girl doesn't even know. I'm in the same situation now, only the guy doesn't know I know his must always be honest, even for those who can't be. In this case, the girl. She doesn't know, it's not fair. She must have the knowledge at least.