Friday, November 26, 2010

Beyond the sex: It was strictly sex - but now I want something serious!

Question:  I've been having sex with my friend for a few months now and we decided at first that it was going to be casual sex and nothing more.  Now I find myself developing feelings for her because I'm missing her when she's gone.  I'm enjoying the sex, so I don't want to risk the fact that she may be scared off by these feelings.  I don't want to ruin our friendship but I can't help these feelings that are beyond just the sex.  What should I do? (San Antonio, TX)

Social Shrink: RULE OF THUMB: "Friends with benefits" situations never really work out.  No matter what, when two people share such intimacy, barriers are crossed when it comes to sex.  Feelings are unavoidable.

Overall, it seems like being friends and just having sex is not working for you two.  If you have feelings for her and you think she has those feelings back, then I suggest you let her know exactly how you feel.  Are you guys JUST meeting up and having sex?  When you both are out not hooking up, does she act flirtacious with you or does she act like just like a regular friend?  Do you find her calling or texting you when you're not around?  Any signs that shows she's finding you more as a friend may be helpful to know whether or not to open your heart out to her.

It is always better to tell someone how you really feel about them, but let's consider the consequences.  If you do tell her, she may get freaked out and your friendship will become awkward.  Just know that there is vulnerability in letting someone know how you really feel about them.

If she doesn't seem like she's interested in you, I would suggest that you end the "friends with benefits" situation and just remain good friends.  Let her know that the friendship means a lot to you and that you feel that the sex is interfering with that.  Sex always makes things a lot more complicated when it involves two friends, even when you both TRY to establish that it's just "casual" sex.  It was fun while it lasted, but move onto the next stage - whether that's being in a relationship with her or being just friends with her... and no in between (aka "friends with benefits").