Friday, December 17, 2010

Am I wrong to ask my girlfriend to de-friend her ex on Facebook?

Question:  The other day I was about to write something on my girlfriend's Facebook wall when I noticed a few posts down that her ex put a ;) on her wall.  Normally I wouldn't care if any other guy put that, but because it's her ex it got me pissed off (if it was a smiley face then whatever, but a wink? Come on!).   I asked my girlfriend and she just said it was nothing.  I then asked her to de-friend him on Facebook and she said, "No, I don't want to look mean."  I'm pissed - am I right about this? (New York, NY)

Social Shrink:  We all have "friends" on Facebook that may be on our friends list but doesn't actually mean anything more than that.  Facebook doesn't equal real life and there are too many people that take Facebook way too seriously ("I poked you three days ago and you haven't poked me back! WTF!").

Your girlfriend seems like a nice girl who doesn't want to stir up any drama between you and your ex.  She also seems like someone who accepts any friend request, even if she isn't really friends with that person OR even if it's her ex.  So, that being said, here's our advice:
  • Don't tell her what to do.  If you tell her to de-friend her ex without discussing anything more than that, you're going to make yourself look bad.  Rather than demand she de-friend him, tell her that it makes you feel uncomfortable.  By telling her this, she may feel compelled to take him off on her own.
  • Ask her if she's had any other communication with her ex.  By putting a wink on your girlfriend's wall, it doesn't mean that she's texting him and meeting him secretly behind your back.  Ask you girlfriend if she has had any other correspondence with him.  If she says no, drop it.  If you question her more, you will look like you don't trust her and that will open a whole new can of worms.
  • Compromise.  If her girlfriend doesn't want to de-friend him, suggest that she puts him on "limited profile" so her ex can't see the photos of her, post on her wall, etc.  He can still be a part of her friends list but with limited access.
The time you and your girlfriend are on Facebook is time taken away from you two being together.  Nip this in the bud fast, take her away from her computer or Blackberry and take her out just the two of you!  Good luck!


  1. Quit being a baby. She's allowed to be friends with males other than you. In fact asking her to un-friend her Ex just tells me that you aren't at all confident in your relationship.

    1. Your response tells me you are an over confident female probably with a feminist streak that rears it's ugly head in these sort's of discussions.

  2. Well, over all in a relationship with trust and honesty being friends over a computer shouldn't be an issue as long as it isn't more then just that. If he comes on to her in a inappropriate manner and your GF doesn't seem to care, or actually seems to "like" it Maybe then its time to worry. Coming from a girl, we know how to play.. and we are experts at the game of love. Maybe you should stop worrying so much about this Ex and step your game up as a BF, because if shes missing him.. your doing something wrong.

  3. "step your game up as a BF, because if shes missing him.. your doing something wrong." Well said, What's my name!!!!!!

  4. I don't think it's a big deal to ask her to de-friend him. I mean if that is what will make him feel better then shouldn't she choose her boyfriend's needs over her ex? I think it would be a test for her to see what she is willing to do for her current boyfriend. When the demands get too crazy, like having her delete all types of friends and family for no rason then that's when you become a psycho boyfriend, and she should go back to her ex!