Friday, January 21, 2011

My boyfriend is a flirt! What is appropriate and what isn't?

Question:  I know there's not a list for what is appropriate and what is not, and how I wish there was.  But, my man acts in a way that I would consider inappropriate but he thinks I'm just overly jealous.  So I don't know.  Is it ok that he hugs on chicks, hangs on them, and tells them they're hot?  I know he's a man and when he stops looking I'll have to check his pulse, but shouldn't there be limits when you are in a committed relationship?

Social Shrink: You’re absolutely right that there should be limits when you are in a committed relationship.  If you feel uncomfortable by his actions, he needs to acknowledge your feelings and readjust accordingly.

Scenario #1 – all the girls he is hugging, complimenting or touching are just his friends.  If these are girls that you have been introduced to over the course of your relationship and you know that they are strictly friends, you may need to take a step back and realize that that’s how they interact.  If they are just his friends, it may just be harmless.

Scenario #2 – all the girls he is hugging, complimenting or touching are random girls while you’re out.  If he’s flirting and hugging girls he’s meeting while you’re out at a bar or at a social event, that is absolutely inappropriate.  He should not be doing that: (1) in front of you, (2) to girls he doesn’t even know, and (3) doing it even after you’ve told him you don’t like it.  If this is the case, you need to have a good long talk with him and tell it to him straight – if he flirts with other girls, he’s disrespecting both you and your relationship with him.

Scenario #3 – he flirts with other girls because you flirt with other guys. Think about how you interact with other guys.  Do you hug them a lot, compliment them, or do things that may make your boyfriend jealous?  It may not be fair for you to get jealous over his actions when you may be doing the same thing.  Take a step back and assess how you both interact with the opposite sex.  Talk it through together to see if either of you are uncomfortable with each other’s actions.

Scenario #4 – he’s just a friendly guy!  If your boyfriend is just an overly friendly, outgoing guy, it may just be his personality.  If he likes to hug his friends that are girls, high-five his friends that are guys, compliment people when they look good, and just like to have a good time, that may be just your boyfriend’s style!  If he’s been hugging girls all his life because he’s more the touchy-feely type, it could mean absolute nothing but friendly gestures!

Bottom line – you are in a committed relationship with him and you’re the one he chose.  While flirting with other girls has a lot of definitions and levels across a spectrum, it’s up to you to determine what makes you feel violated in your relationship.  If you just get annoyed and irritated when he gives other girls attention, think about whether you’re being jealous or paranoid since it could be you.  If you legitimately feel hurt, betrayed or disrespected because of his inappropriate actions, tell him right away about how it makes you feel.

If he continues to do it, then he can have one of those other girls because you can do better.


  1. The fact that you wrote to Social Shrink about it probably shows that you know he's flirting too much. Forget him, you can do better.

  2. The fact that he does tis in front of you shows he means nothing other than friendliness. Expecting him to change for your feelings is disgusting advice. I hope he runs for the hills.