Applying for college - should I listen to my parents?

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Question:  I'm in the middle of narrowing down the colleges I'm applying for before the January 1st deadline, and I'm having a hard time!  My parents are urging me to apply to schools I didn't originally have on my list.  For example, my dad says I'll like the social scene at one school, my mom says that it's safe rat this other school. One school is suburban, another school is in the city.  How can I make this important decision when I have so much pressure from my parents!  (New York, NY)

Social Shrink:  Applying to college is both an exciting and stressful time.  First off, congratulations for making it to your final year in high school and planning for this exciting next step. It seems as if you have some idea of some schools you are targeting, the question is whether or not you will be applying to those schools in addition to any others your parents are pressuring you to apply to.

While it may be stressful to have your parents giving you their input 24/7, just note that this is a stressful time for them as well.  They obviously want you to be happy, they are anxious that you will be leaving them soon, and getting you into college is not something they have control over.

I'm in an unhealthy relationship - 5 red flags to look out for

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Question:

Dear Social Shrink,

I started seeing this guy for a couple of weeks now. I really like him but my friends have been telling me I should stop seeing him because they feel like he is taking up all my time. I agree, I have been spending a lot of time with him, but that's what happens in new relationships, right? 

I find our relationship is coming between me and my friends and I don't want it to. When I told my boyfriend about what my friends said, he told me that my friends aren't happy for me and I should cut them off. Even my mom told me she is worried about how my relationship is progressing and my boyfriend doesn't like it when I talk to her. 

I know he just cares about me and wants me to spend time with him but I want to show my friends and family I still care about them while being with my boyfriend. What should I do? (Oakland, CA)

How to create feasible New Year's resolutions



Happy 2011!



Question:  With 2011 coming up, I want to start thinking about what my new year's resolutions will be.  Ever year I make a list, but by the time February or March rolls around, they are usually kicked to the curb.  Any advice on how to make some good resolutions?  (New York, NY)

Social Shrink:  Here is our advice - there's no point in making new year's resolutions if they are unattainable or are not possible in real life (i.e. I want to grow wings or I want to be invisible for a day).  We have developed a short list for you to think about as you begin to make your 2011 resolutions:

Single dad and your daughter's first...

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Question:  My mom passed away when I was 8 and my father has been raising me since.  Me and my dad are really close - I can always turn to him for anything, we play sports together and we go to basketball games all of the time.

I am 12 now and I recently got my period.  Me and my dad are usually able to talk about anything, but every time I try to bring up stuff like my period and needing to get a bra, he gets uncomfortable.  What should I do? (Chicago, IL) 

Social Shrink:  Well, we really thank you for this question.  I'm sure there are a lot of single fathers out there who all go through this experience with their daughters.

My wife and mom don't get along... and now we have a baby on the way! How do I deal?

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Question:  My wife and mother had a falling out last year.  I’ll spare you with the details, but for the past year, my wife has been avoiding all family functions that take place at my mother’s house.  She doesn’t speak to my mother let alone see her  - all of which is intentional.  My mother brushes it off as if she doesn’t care.  We are expecting our first child together and my wife is in her eighth month of pregnancy.  During this whole pregnancy, my mother has not seen my wife once.  Both of them are too stubborn and apologize to one another.  Our baby is due in January and I would really hate to bring our new baby into this world when there’s so much friction between my wife and my mother.  What should I do? (Seattle, WA)

Social Shrink:  Listen, you can choose your friends but you can’t choose your family.  Your mother is your mother, and your wife has to accept that you will not choose sides in this case – it’s just wrong.  You are stuck between a rock and a hard place and while it’s not the best position to be in, there are ways you can approach this situation.  While your family doesn’t need to become the Brady Bunch, everyone can still learn to respect one another.

How can I spend Christmas with my future in-laws without upsetting my parents?

Lucas Allen

Question:  Every year I spend Christmas with my folks. Recently, me and my girlfriend got engaged and her parents live in Hawaii while mine live in New Jersey (where I live with my girlfriend). Though I've talked to my future in-laws on the phone and webcam, I never met them in person.

They invited me to spend Christmas with them this year, which I am very excited about doing! However, I know this will create tension among me and my dad. He doesn't have any family or friends in the area and he expects me to come over for Christmas with my girlfriend.  I can't seem to come up with the courage to let him know that I plan to go to Hawaii. Please help! (Ridgewood, NJ)

Social Shrink:  Hmm.. that's a toughie! Parents definitely want you to be home for the holidays, but it is very understandable that you should meet your future in-laws. Would it also be possible for him to come along? He might want to meet his future family as well, not to mention a chance to go to Hawaii!

Holiday sales worth getting trampled on?

MCT PHOTO

Question:  Every year I come home from college for Thanksgiving and my mom always drags me to go shopping on Black Friday while my sister gets to stay home.  It’s been a tradition since I could remember, however, I absolutely hate it!!!  I hate the crowds, I hate the vicious people that argue, I hate parking, I hate people shoving me, etc… How do I tell my mom that I don’t want to go without disappointing her? (St. Louis, MO)

Social Shrink:  I think what you just said absolutely describes Black Friday - it is pure chaos.  But, it doesn't seem like your mother will be upset that you don't like Black Friday, but rather that you don't want to spend the time with her.  If it's something you have done with your mother for years, she may consider it her "bonding time" with you.  It may hurt her to find out that you have never liked this time with your mother for all these years.

I'm a recent college grad living at home... and caught my parents snooping!

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Question:  Social Shrink - I recently graduated from college and moved back home with my parents.  I'm trying to save some money before moving out on my own and my parents agreed it was a good idea.  The other day I came home from work and caught my mom snooping through my desk drawers!  On top of that, a few days before my dad "accidentally" opened my mail.  I'm going crazy... I can't afford to move out on my own but I can't take this anymore!!! (Chicago, IL)

Social Shrink:  The New York Times had a recent article who quoted someone who is in a similar situation as you:

• “Living at home absolutely crimps my social life,” she said. “You’re still living under your parents’ rules. I refer to it as being stuck in an extended adolescence, one that never seems to end.” (“Facing a Financial Pinch, and Moving In With Mom and Dad," 3/21/10)

This seems to sum it up right there.  That is the trade-off you get for moving back under your parents roof.  While you do get to save money and get free meals, you shouldn't feel like you can do whatever you want just because you got yourself a degree and are no longer a teenager.  Bottom line is that when you're living with your parents, you need to abide by their rules.

That doesn't give them a legit reason to open your mail or go through your stuff.  The best advice would be to be as open with them as possible and let them know how you feel about them snooping.  You may not be sharing what's going on in your life enough so it's making them try to figure out what's going on with you with these "creative" ways.  Get rid of the mystery and start talking with them more: tell them how your job is going, how your friends are, etc.  The more you tell them up front, the less they will need to find out how you're doing behind your back. 

As a side note - if you don't have anything to hide then you shouldn't be worried about them snooping.  If you do have something to hide, maybe it's best you get rid of anything you don't want them to find until you get your own place!  That's motivation for you to move out!!!